The answer is 42

Sometimes i try to avoid writing in this blog because when i put something down, when I commit to it, my flaws become much more apparent to me. My last post for example is a garbled mess of random sentences. I guess it's good that I'm writing though.

My fear of writing something stupid is huge. I faced failure at an early age, and while i like to think that its made me a more humble person, i fear that thinking that its made me humble will cancel out the fact that i am humble.

I've always accepted that I'm below average in generally every area of my life, it's never really bothered me, though i tend to think about it often for some reason. I try to remind myself that even though i take about twice as long to learn things vs. the average person, I can at least learn them, and that maybe because of my predicament i get to have a different perspective on things.
That's the thing though; i wonder a lot if i look at things differently that other people, but I'm terrified of developing a superiority complex because of it, which is fucking ludicrous because average people are intellectually superior to me. Hehe, can you see how circular my mind is?

I was walking home today when i finally came to the conclusion that life is no different from a rock tumbling down a hillside, we start as a simple chemical reaction that developed into something complex. This is a very simple concept, but it took me 19 years to sum it up to a simple analogy. I don't mean the theory of evolution took me 19 years to understand, but being able to sum it up into such a simple analogy such as the rock rolling down a hill was very satisfying for me.

The fact that it takes me such a long time to figure these things out makes me wonder if i am able to appreciate them more. When i attempt to talk to other people my age about the wonder of Dark Energy (the cost of having space) or the astonishing experiment that the LHC will be conducting very soon(recreating the conditions of the big bang to find the Higgs Boson particle), they never seem as enthusiastic as I am.

To me nothing is more interesting or important than understanding life, the universe, and everything.

When i was finally able to grasp what the standard model of fundamental particles was my satisfaction was immense. I wonder if because they have already thought about these things they no longer hold the same appreciation for them as I do, or because the concepts come so easily to them that it's not a very big deal to them? Am i able to appreciate these things more than other people because of my slow mind? Do people actually appreciate these things more than I'm giving them credit for?

It's not impossible for other people to simply know about this stuff and not care, i guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that.